About Grieve

I never really wanna talk about this, especially on my blog. But it's been stuck like forever in my head and rather than talk to people and listen to their "sabar ya" bullshit might be better if I just write everything  here. I lost both of my grandmother this year and I alrwady lost my grandfather from my dad side years ago but I can still feel how much I misa him. For myself its a sensitive  matter and I dont think I ever talked about it to anyone else, well I did but it didnt work, so here we go.

For the rest of my life I've been trying to love everyone wholeheartedly regardless of how suck at life. And then they all just somehow connect to one anither in my head and as I grow up teach me such a lot of lesson and meaning in life. They are the one who make me 'me' and shower their love and wrapped my happiness with joy trough my way until this point. But you know in every step I took to grow up somehow I have to realize that they are growing old, and then one by one they're gone leaving all the love and beautiful memories lies on my deepest heart. That heart which is filled with love and packed with affection just suddenly feel so empty, dark and vanish as they leave this vulnerable world.

I don't feel complete anymore, I don't feel  secure anymore, I want them back. How could I get them back? I can't ever. I am sad. And the truth is until now I never really cried so much to grieve about them and to express my sadness, not that I don't want to but I feel like these sadness are infinite. It doesnt go in a click away. But to be fair I think everybody deserve to grieve and cry and sob until they are tired and cannot cry anymore. All those relieve feeling after you cry and calling the name of the one you love when they died. Oh I want that feeling. I tried, but I think I failed miserably because I'm not good at expressing feelings but truly tho until now I can still feel that rope tied my throat so its hard to breath when I'm thinking about them.

It may sound selfish and mean and disrespectful, but in the last few months or days before I lost both of my grandmother -from my mom side on january and dad side on april- I just want them to be gone quickly because it torture me to see them suffer from the pain and every uncomfortableness that they feel in the hospital bed. To see and hear them tearing up feeling the pain, hurt me so bad. In the other side I know I have to keep living my life, go to university and stuff but I can't think straight those days. My mind and my heart are still about them. One time on december last year I remember I went to the movie with my friend -I think I could have a break for a while- but it turns out I couldn't wait for the movie to finish and go home. I couldn't concentrate in classes, I couldn't really have fun anymore that time. Yes, I wanted them to be well again but you know, they're old and vulnerable and weak even if God give them more time and chance to heal I want them to have the best attention and the best people to take care of them, I want to pour all my love for them, to be always at home with them but I can't. Mom and dad are busy and I want them to be focus on their job and have everything under control. It also hard for me to see them so stressed out balancing work and family. Oh God I feel so selfish writing this post. But I want them to be in the best place and have the best of everything which is on God's side. I dont want to watch them suffer the pain anymore.

The point is when I really loose them I somehow so lost and confuse what to do. Some part I am glad that I know they are on the best place now but I am still very sad that I cant see them anymore, you know I just have to wait until my time so that I can see them again. Oh I miss everyone so bad. How can I pour and make this sadness vanish?